Parental Alienation: When To Give Up The Legal Battle in Court

Making my way through a parental alienation forum recently, I came across a very intelligent and well thought out discussion of when a targeted parent should end their legal battles in response to the alienating tactics of the “other parent.”

I have some experience with parental alienation and thought about what the author of the post said.  In a few words, her comments can be summed up this way: the “good guys” don’t always win.

It’s unnatural and deeply wounding  for an ex, or someone else, to disrupt or destroy a once loving relationship between a parent and a child. If you have been the victim of this, your first thought may have been “it’s impossible, and what I think is happening isn’t really happening.”
The recognition of reality leads to lengthy and sometimes expensive legal battles, emotional, mental, and spiritual exhaustion, and a cycle of recrimination and anger that can go on for years.

In the meantime, your child is caught in the middle of something they are not equipped to understand. All they know is that someone has told them something, and they have to try to figure out what to believe. They have to try to figure out who to believe. They have to figure out how to understand the confusion and conflict expressed between their parents. They have to figure out how to feel safe in the midst of all of this confusion. Children are not equipped to handle and process these types of emotional complexities. If you, as an adult, are having a hard time handling this situation, imagine how overwhelmed your child must feel.

I believe there comes a time when someone has to decide to stop engaging the fight in the courts. Someone has to concede defeat. It sounds wrong and feels horrible. But it may be the only honest and effective way forward. 

Acceptance is often the final stage in the grieving process.

“Someone did a terrible thing to me, and to my child. What will my response be?”

One writer in this forum stated she became financially bankrupt, emotionally drained and isolated, and physically disabled/unable to work from the stress related disease brought about by years of court fights. She fought for years with an outwardly charming, narcissistic sociopath whose dysfunction enabled him to go to endless lengths to keep her children from knowing who she really was.  The
key word here is “was”, because after years of legal battles, she had in fact become the very person she was once falsely accused of being: unable to support herself or anyone else, physically weak, mentally drained, and socially isolated. Now, in fact, the alienating parent could say to their children: “See, you are better off not seeing your Mom. She can’t take care of herself, and she certainly isn’t able to do much for you. It’s better for you to stay here with me.” Even if the children had been able to see their Mom with unclouded eyes, they would now see a broken and weak woman who struggled to get up each morning and make it through the day. In her own words, she was “destroyed.”

I often hear battling parties state they will “fight to the bitter end.”  That sounds really brave, courageous, determined, and loving. After all, who won’t “fight” for their children?

If a “bitter end” takes away your ability to continue your life and await the return of your children, then a bitter end is not worth visiting.

I do not doubt some alienated children go to their graves believing the lies programmed into them. Destroying your own life, health, and mental balance will not change that programming. The destruction of your own life only creates more victims of the alienator.

Current literature on the subject of parental alienation says child victims of PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) often abandon the lies and programming as they mature into early adulthood, get away from the alienator, or the alienator dies or disappears from the child’s life for other reasons. When a child is able to independently consider or reconsider facts, they sometimes come to a fresh understanding of who told the truth and who did not. Then, they may seek you out.

Wouldn’t you like to be a whole, happy, productive person if your child decides to re-enter your life? Don’t you want to be able to model your own goodness for your child, regardless of the child’s age? Don’t you want to demonstrate that evil does not overcome goodness in every corner of the world?

Of course, if your child is being abused or harmed, you have to find legal support and get law enforcement involved. Real crimes usually leave some type of traceable clue. If your child has been taken to another country, you may have to pursue help through the State Department and other federal government agencies.

But if your child is happy and secure where they are, give some thought to how long you will continue to let the battle dominate your life. You will be heartbroken, filled with anguish, and no doubt some others will judge you negatively for not spending your last dime (and all you can borrow!) in court.

It is possible to recover from parental alienation. You will not be unchanged, but you can be alive, reasonably healthy, and intact. You can have a life worth living.

A horrible evil is done when a vengeful ex steals your relationship with your child.

Another horrible evil will be done if you destroy yourself fighting a fight you cannot win.

You can maintain scrapbooks, write letters, create art, music, or crafts, and do other things to honor your relationship with your child. You can create a website or blog where your child may find you and see who you truly are and that you love them, despite what has happened and what they may have been told. These things may give you comfort and help you feel connected to your child.

Only you know when to say “enough.” It may be next week, or next year. Or five years from now. If or when that day comes and you know you have done all you can while keeping yourself intact, don’t be afraid to say: “I will fight no more.”




Comments

Deborah Evans said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Deborah Evans said…
I meant to write "blessings as you move FORWARD."
Veronica M said…
Thank you.
My husband finally let go after years of fighting. It's been difficult, especially since everything we've found on PAD talked about fighting for your kids..the success stories etc. There has been no support for him for letting go when it was the best thing.

It was killing the children. In his case there is never any hope. His parents decided they would do anything to retain a relationship with his children ...even cutting him off. Supporting him was causing the ex to turn the children away from them. They even warned him they would make declarations to the court that he shouldn't have access to the kids, that they would turn all the rest of the family members against him in order to retain their relationship with the kids. They made good on their threats.

It's been years since he let go but the pain is still there. Maybe more people will start speaking up about letting go.
Deborah Evans said…
So sorry you had to experience this.

If you are a targeted parent and you choose to act with integrity, there is no way you can "win" in the eyes of some people.

If you engage the fight, you may destroy yourself while some accuse you of being combative and difficult.

If you don't engage the fight, you are accused of being uncaring and not loving your child.

Yes, there is pain. I agree with you that it never completely goes away. Like the other painful events of life, the challenge is to use the pain to create strength and goodness for ourselves and others.

I wish you and your husband well on that journey.
Anonymous said…
Thank you for this article. This article provides me strength and discernment when my emotions try to cloud my judgement. I am letting go of my children so that they will have peace from a devastating and nasty battle that will not end unless I choose to walk away from their lives. It's heartbreaking. I hope the Lord redeems this situation and I pray every day that the Lord protects the hearts of my children in my absence.
Deborah Evans said…
Wishing and praying for you and your children the very best through all the stages of your lives.

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God."
Unknown said…
Thank you---I have no choice, literally, but to leave my daughter in the hands of the two malignant narcissistics(my parents) who broke whatever law they desired to decimate both my daughter and myself....I thank you, so, for this writing....
Unknown said…
Thank you---I have reached this stage; I, probably, will not, physically, survive, what has happened....Unfortunately, neither will my alienated 41/2-year-old daughter....
Unknown said…
I have, unfortunately, always been the peacemaker; it has not helped me in life....
Deborah Evans said…
I am very sorry to read about your experiences. May I suggest a few things?

Please give yourself permission to survive, regardless of what is going on in the relationships you have with others. Your value is independent of what others say and think about you.

I understand and know there is an immense stigma attached to being a noncustodial mom. Financial hardships and losses can also arise at the same time during which others may unfairly judge you and your situation. Because you know the truth, please do not get buried under the judgments of others.

If you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed, seek competent help or counseling from a neutral party, even if you have to call a mental health helpline or a similar service.

A chapter or series of chapters don't always equal the whole story. Be open to the possibility that things may change in ways you cannot currently predict. Take care of yourself and take any necessary steps to maintain your well-being and safety--physically, mentally, etc.

If you have always been a peacemaker, please know that it is possible for you to create and maintain peace for yourself, not just for others or yourself + others. It is possible to survive this painful time. Others have done so. My prayer is that you will find the path forward, and with God's help, embrace that path.


Unknown said…
Thank you, Deborah--I, just now, read your response to my writings from last summer....I have, actually, up until last March, always(when my Medical Doctor, malignant narcissist of a "father" would let me out of a loony-bin for a month or two; or, when he was not, along with my "mother" physically, and otherwise, mercilessly assaulting me and then calling the police to say that I was abusing everyone(my daughter, my parents, etc.)) been an at-home mother seeking to find separation and stability for my daughter and myself(I never finished Medical School, and have suffered from Complex-PTSD, now, for
almost 30
years...). I cannot survive without my daughter, with whom I was (though under continuous abuse of various kinds), allowed to
be alone with for the first time in over 16 months---I see, now, that the alienation is, nearly, irreparable, especially now that, not surprisingly after all the sickening lies by the two parents have convinced DCFS in Illinois that I have no Legal or Physical Custody of my daughter....Some alienators will not
stop...; my parents are two of them. I have decided to try to continue with life, somehow, without my little doll, who has been the constant subject of my waking thoughts, and dreams, since she was first torn from my arms at 2 months' of age(for several months was that separation, alone).... If it were not for my 12-year-old sweet, deserving, service-dog, Barney, I would have left this Earth, long ago via suicide....I live, only, because he needs care and attention..... I can, barely, wait until this life is over; it has been/is too painful for me, at least. I thank you, again, for your response....
Deborah Evans said…
ann, thank you for your recent message. I did not publish it in order to protect your privacy.

I commend and honor you for choosing to live your life as well as you can. God's blessings to you each and every day as you move forward.
Unknown said…
Thank you, Deborah....You are, obviously, touched by God. I must save my daughter, though, first--all of her educational materials, most of her newest STEM toys, many books, and much more(almost everything which I bought her, on a salary of 488/month), has gone missing. I found some of it in the garage, here....However, the scumbag, malignant narcissistics(my parents), of course, find that to be funny(as they do torturing the heck out of her and myself)....I had to live in a car for a year(they threw out my shoes, clothes--told me to die, and much worse)....I have, only, recently, returned to this unlivable house where my little Mary is stuck....I need a lawyer, ASAP....I am almost 49, with most of my teeth having fallen out. But--I am making a tiny bit of progress in reaching my Mary(she is, of course, very "confused", and "angry"--she does not understand why mommy cannot get her out of this situation, and finds it hard to believe what I say(my parents are relationship-ending alienators)....I wish that, somehow, if I were to die, I could leave in my will a way out of this Hell for her....She has suffered so(as have I--but, I had a chance for 22 years, at the least)....In any event, one spins their wheels in such a circumstance. My fatigue is crippling--I cannot stop trying to discover a way out for her. I thank you, so, again, for your kind attention.
May God bless you, dear,
Ann Marie
Anonymous said…
I gave up 2 years ago and the pain remains. The pain will always be there.
Deborah Evans said…
Yes, the pain will always be there, Anonymous. My hope is the pain will not dominate and define your life. As time goes by, hopefully you will find new sources of joy that will balance the pain.
Deborah Evans said…
It occurs to me that I should explain what I meant by "balance the pain."

Balance the pain means you don't deny what happened. At the same time, you don't allow what happened to totally control and dominate every aspect of your life. Balancing means you allow yourself to recover.

You will know you are making progress in recovery when the alienation experience is no longer the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing you thing of before you fall asleep.

You will know you are making progress when the thoughts (of what has been done to you and your child) no longer intrude, against your will, into a time or place when you are happy and thinking about or enjoying a good aspect of life.

You will know you are making progress when you are no longer filled with rage and uncontrolled anger at the alienator because you understand that people can only operate at their level of understanding and belief. No one consistently operates and lives beyond their level of understanding and belief. You can see them as flawed people and focus your energy into protecting yourself, preparing for a better future, and awaiting the possible return of your child. You are no longer obsessed with forcing the alienator to change.

You will know you are making progress when you can move through a day or a week and be joyful for some other element of your life that's actually working as you would like it to work.

You will know you are making progress when your no longer feel the need to hide from the world during holidays or other special days such as birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc.

These are the markers of being able to "balance the pain" and move forward while never denying the experience of a terrible loss.

I hope this helps.
Anonymous said…
Thank you. I have struggled to maintain peace with my ex even though he has gone out of his way to make my life a living he'll since the day we found out I was pregnant. He has brainwashed my child against me, my husband, and my other child. It's torn me apart and as much as I love my child, I can't keep fighting this losing battle.
Deborah Evans said…
My prayer, Anonymous, is you will focus on the future without losing the joys of happy memories---these can never be taken away.

My prayer is you will give yourself the gift of freedom by embracing the power to forgive those who have wronged you--while keeping a safe distance from harm and hatred.

My prayer is you will celebrate and enjoy the love and companionship of those who love you, have stood by you, and have supported you.

God bless!
Anonymous said…
Thank you for this. I am going through this; almost four years ago I made the biggest mistake of my life by allowing myself to be vulnerable and turning to drugs while going through domestic violence. I trusted someone I should not have, my mother. By choosing to live with her during a difficult time and being ashamed of what was going on in my life I jeapordized having any future with my two beautiful children. I wish to God I would have been stronger at that time because she wouldn't have been able to alter our lives the way she has. I had no support system at all, and feel lucky to have survived what followed her abscounding with my kids without a court order one night. The guardian ship and restraining order petitions came later, apparently mailed to a bogus address. I had no idea how to handle anything in my life and was in shock. Court orders went the way she wanted as she had apparently plotted and planned gotten an attorney in advance and this was a scheme cooked up over a long period of time.
Later on, I've attempted to insert myself into my children's lives via requesting the court to make her comply with at least supervised visitation as I have been sober for over there years and don't struggle that way anymore. But that's not why this was done, there's not much left for me. My request for visitation was denied, based on a letter from a therapist regarding my obviously alienated children. Though that wasn't the point of the letter, it was too say I have physically, mentally, physiologically abused my children. I questioned the authenticity of the letter it was so shocking. Out of a therapist scope of practice they went as far as saying my eldest who has always hadah speech impediment and has tubes in her ears with documented hearing problems actually only had a speech impediment from my supposed abuse. Yeah. The judge didn't question any of this includ scolded me. Also, the declaration from evil guardian had the nerve the equate me to a child rapist. Saying that she saw no point in me being allowed to have any role in my kids lives, that they wouldn't force a rape victim to see thier rapist so I shouldn't be allowed to see my kids. I'm blown away by the judge ignorance and over looking so much wrong doing. I don't think I can take much more of this mental tortured. My soul has already been crushed long ago. To survive as more than the walking dead, I may have to move on....
Unknown said…
I am loving father who has thought for 5 years trying to stay in my daughters life. I have had false allegations thrown at me made to feel worthless. I have been stopped seeing my child because she had speech delays and all other types of reason i spent thousands in court lost my job in severe debt and left broken. I cant function to this day feel destroyed and cry whilst i write these words.
Unknown said…
Im so happy to have found this article. My experience is the same as everyone elses except that my childrens stepmother is the alienator and my kids father does nothing to stop it, so i suppose that makes hin guilty as well. The pain is unbearable, but i pray without ceasing.
Deborah Evans said…
So glad this was helpful to you. Brandi. There were many days when I questioned why I had the experiences that came my way. I now see the lessons I learned have been helpful to others. Sending blessings for peace and progress to you.
Unknown said…
Thank you for writing this. I felt so all alone even when searching other sites because no one wants to talk about waving the white flag. Fighting to the bitter end is not an option I am destroyed on every level, and you cannot win against a sociopath. If your child shows any love or affection towards you, they will suffer too. I would rather my child hate me for the lies they were told, then to see them torn and in pain. The reality is that not only will society as a whole judge you, but friends and family will turn against you too. I have come to accept this reality and am a shell of a person. I am under no illusions that my child will one day have an epiphany, and more than likely will turn out like his father. Hope can be a cruel thing, better to let go of it.
Deborah Evans said…
Thank you for sharing. I am grateful you found the post helpful.
I hope you will choose to turn your hope toward your own future. You have some control of your future. You may not have total control, but some choices are probably available to you.
In my own experience, I chose to find ways to be hopeful and act to create a good future. This was more difficult than anything I had ever done, but I did it because I didn't want to be another victim of the alienator.
I hope you will find a way to free yourself and move in a direction that opens into a life that brings you happiness.
Unknown said…
Thank you for your post. It's a very difficult thing to concede defeat in court, understanding fully you wont agree to anymore continuance or delays and with this decision you feel like you are abandoning your child forever, and its excruciating to let go. I had a baby with a terrorist and this is what happens. Its a human rights violation and everyone is watching it happen.
Deborah Evans said…
When others are watching, please be careful not to let their perspectives take away your knowledge and experiences.
You know you have done your best. Now, work on being the best person you can be despite everything that has happened to you and your child. I wish you peace and grace.
Unknown said…
Considering your words even though it is hard to accept. I have been trying and need peace for myself and others in my life.

Scary thing about letting go is not knowing if you'll ever get to reconnect and find what was lost. I just hope that if I do this that I will live long enough to see this day with my daughter.
Deborah Evans said…
Thank you for writing. Trust your own knowledge and judgment about when to "let go", or when to release with love. Move with small steps, in ways which don't feel too traumatic for you. Remember the others in your life, those who love you and want to stay close and connected to you. Resist the temptation to give away your life for the sake of any single individual.

Letting go doesn't mean forgetting or no longer caring about what happens with or to your alienated child. You're letting go of a battle, you've not letting go of love. Wishing you peace, guidance, and clarity of mind and heart and soul.
Deborah Evans said…
I am sorry for the delay in posting your comments.
As we are now nearing the end of 2019, please remember it can't be useful to beat yourself up for the negative energies and actions of others. My prayer is you will be restored to wholeness, that your happy memories will be a continuing source of joy for you and that your bad memories will be a reminder of how much you have survived while maintaining the will to hold strong..and that you will be vindicated and reunited with your child.
Anonymous said…
Thank you. My husband did this 5 years ago, recently she came back now 11 years old, we tried again for 6 months. Her mother and her have but him right back to the point of wanting to take his own life again. My husband is trying to make the decision to fight or just walk away again. We thought when we started this earlier this year, that she had matured enough to see what her mother was doing. But no. We have seen in the last month or 2 that is was a facade. She is just as manipulative and hurtful as her mother. The pain my husband feels is real. Does a father stay and take his own life from the stress and pain or does he leave and possibly be shunned?
Deborah Evans said…
Remember: children and teens do not have the ability to understand complex emotional issues, or to step outside of their feelings and logically analyze a conflicting set of facts or confusing information. Many adults cannot do these things.

Children are incredibly impressionable. This includes highly intelligent or strong willed children. Even when they don't say it, children know they must depend upon adults to provide for them and to take care of them. Children know they are not self sufficient. Children want love and acceptance from the authority figues in their lives. When parents are in conflict, children cannot always distinguish the differences between what adults refer to as "right" or "wrong."

For these reasons, trust your instincts (and wise counsel) about how long to fight and how much of your life to give to the struggle. Even wise counsel should be very carefully considered because only you know yourself well enough to understand how much stress, pressure, or conflict you can accept and live with on a daily, weekly, monthly, or year to year basis.

I advise against making decisions based on the fear of unfair judgments or criticisms from others--friends, neighbors, co-workers, extended family, etc. Those who love you and care for you will seek to understand you and will offer support, not judgment. Some people are committed to mis-understanding everything you do. Those people were never on your side.

Make decisions that are honest. Those are the decisions you can live with and those are the decisions that will guide you beyond the pain.



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