The Lord's Prayer, Phrase by Phrase, Pt. 8: Forgive

Our Father in heaven,

hallowed be your name,

your kingdom come,

your will be done

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us today our daily bread.

Forgive us our debts,

as we have also forgiven our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from the evil one.

Forgive.

This is a tough subject to write about this month, on this day. 

Today is the celebration of Juneteenth. This month is the anniversary of the murder by a white supremacist of nine Black people who were in a Bible study in a church in Charleston, South Carolina. 

Why does forgiveness appear over and over in the Christian tradition? How could forgiveness be honest or even sensible in an environment of systemic injustice?

This is about forgiveness for deep woundings, not about forgiving someone who takes a parking spot you want, or won't move over to allow you a seat on the bus or train. 

In order to know what a thing is, be sure of what it is NOT. None of these ideas represent true forgiveness. Forgiveness does not arise from:

 "It was bad, but it wasn't that bad."

 " Let it go. "

 "You're still here, aren't you?"

 " It doesn't matter anymore. "

 "That was a long time ago."

 " Be the bigger person. "

 "Get on with your life."

 " Forgive and forget. "

These failed statements don't carry the energy or spirit of forgiveness. These statements are dishonest. Do you have the courage to sit with your pain, or are you afraid you will be overwhelmed by it? Do you retreat into cheap, "phony forgiveness" because allowing yourself to see and name what has happened is too frightening? This is what you must do. Ask God to give you the courage to do it.

When you have experienced a deep wounding and hear the types of ideas expressed in the sentences listed above, you must reject these ideas. These ideas are often brought forward to cancel your emotions, diminish your emotions, and make you think you have no right to feel anger. Often loving and well intentioned people make these statements. But you have a right to your anger. We know when we have been wronged. It is a normal, healthy reaction to object strongly and emotionally to that wrong.

What will you do with your anger?

It's a choice you can make. Each option on this choice has long term consequences, so choose wisely.

Now that we know what forgiveness is not, what is it?

Forgiveness is the process of cleansing yourself of the pain someone tried to bury in you. Forgiveness is an act of radical self-care. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person. Their response to your self healing is irrelevant. Their asking for forgiveness is unnecessary. Maybe they are dead. Maybe they are alive. Maybe you see them everyday. Maybe you saw them once twenty years ago and have never seen them again. Maybe you don't know if they are dead or alive.

None of that matters.

What matters is understanding what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is an act of radical self care and recovery you engage in for the purpose of healing. That's it. You don't have to wait for anyone or anything. 

But you need tools.

How to, in the Christian tradition, engage the process of forgiveness is the subject of next week's post.

In the meantime, practice eliminating wrong thinking about forgiveness. To move forward, you must eliminate the wrong thinking that has held you back. 

Let's look at honest responses to the "false forgiveness" statements listed earlier.

 " It was bad, but it wasn't that bad. " YES. IT WAS THAT BAD.

 "Let it go." I CAN'T LET IT GO. 

 " You're still here, aren't you?" NO, NOT LIKE I USED TO BE. NOT LIKE I WANT TO BE.

 " It doesn't matter anymore. " TO ME IT DOES MATTER.

 "That was a long time ago." NOT TO ME. IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY TO ME.

 "Be the bigger person." YOU ARE ASKING TOO MUCH OF ME.

 

 " Get on with your life. "  THIS IS MY LIFE AND IT HURTS TOO MUCH.

 "Forgive and forget." WE DON'T FORGET THE THINGS THAT MATTER.

Next week, we will look at giving yourself the gift of forgiveness.