Living With And Moving Beyond Parental Alienation

 (c) Deborah Evans

It is during the summer, during times of family gatherings or special events, and during holidays that many of us who live or have lived with parental alienation become aware of how difficult and life changing this experience can be. I am sharing this post for the third time because this continues to be one of the most read and commented posts on the blog. I hope you will find a clear vision of life beyond parental alienation. My prayer is that if parental alienation is part of your story, it will be only a chapter and not the defining theme of your life.

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This is an encore post. This post was originally published in 2013, but continues to be one of the most popular posts on the site. In this post, I am writing from my personal experiences and observations. I am not an attorney, counselor, court employee, social worker, or therapist. I am writing as a woman of faith who has witnessed this phenomenon.

When this post was originally published, there was much less general knowledge and understanding of parental alienation. In fact, some doubted if parental alienation was  possible, or if it was something the courts should attempt to address.

Fortunately, things have changed in recent years.  You may be a targeted or non-custodial mom or non-custodial dad. You may have a family member or friend dealing with parental alienation. You may be an unknowing participant in parental alienation. You may be an adult child of a victim of parental alienation. Whatever your situation, I hope this perspective will be useful to you if you have found yourself entangled in the painful and life-changing experience that is parental alienation. Grace and peace to you.

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Making my way through a parental alienation forum recently, I came across a very intelligent and well thought out discussion of when a targeted parent should end their legal battles in response to the alienating tactics of the “other parent.”

I have some experience with parental alienation and thought about what the author of the post said.  In a few words, her comments can be summed up this way: the “good guys” don’t always win.

It’s unnatural and deeply wounding  for an ex, or someone else, to disrupt or destroy a once loving relationship between a parent and a child. If you have been the victim of this, your first thought may have been “it’s impossible, and what I think is happening isn’t really happening.”

The recognition of reality leads to lengthy and sometimes expensive legal battles, emotional, mental, and spiritual exhaustion, and a cycle of recrimination and anger that can go on for years.

In the meantime, your child is caught in the middle of something they are not equipped to understand. All they know is that someone has told them something, and they have to try to figure out what to believe. They have to try to figure out who to believe. They have to figure out how to understand the confusion and conflict expressed between their parents. They have to figure out how to feel safe in the midst of all of this confusion. Children are not equipped to handle and process these types of emotional complexities. If you, as an adult, are having a hard time handling this situation, imagine how overwhelmed your child must feel.

I believe there comes a time when someone has to decide to stop engaging the fight in the courts. Someone has to concede defeat. It sounds wrong and feels horrible. But it may be the only honest and effective way forward. 

Acceptance is often the final stage in the grieving process.

“Someone did a terrible thing to me, and to my child. What will my response be?”

One writer in this forum stated she became financially bankrupt, emotionally drained and isolated, and physically disabled/unable to work from the stress related disease brought about by years of court fights. She fought for years with an outwardly charming, narcissistic sociopath whose dysfunction enabled him to go to endless lengths to keep her children from knowing who she really was.  The key word here is “was”, because after years of legal battles, she had in fact become the very person she was once falsely accused of being: unable to support herself or anyone else, physically weak, mentally drained, and socially isolated. Now, in fact, the alienating parent could say to their children: “See, you are better off not seeing your Mom. She can’t take care of herself, and she certainly isn’t able to do much for you. It’s better for you to stay here with me.” Even if the children had been able to see their Mom with unclouded eyes, they would now see a broken and weak woman who struggled to get up each morning and make it through the day. In her own words, she was “destroyed.”

I often hear battling parties state they will “fight to the bitter end.”  That sounds really brave, courageous, determined, and loving. After all, who won’t “fight” for their children?

If a “bitter end” takes away your ability to continue your life and await the return of your children, then a bitter end is not worth visiting.

I do not doubt some alienated children go to their graves believing the lies programmed into them. Destroying your own life, health, and mental balance will not change that programming. The destruction of your own life only creates more victims of the alienator.

Current literature on the subject of parental alienation says child victims of PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) often abandon the lies and programming as they mature into early adulthood, get away from the alienator, or the alienator dies or disappears from the child’s life for other reasons. When a child is able to independently consider or reconsider facts, they sometimes come to a fresh understanding of who told the truth and who did not. Then, they may seek you out.

Wouldn’t you like to be a whole, happy, productive person if your child decides to re-enter your life? Don’t you want to be able to model your own goodness for your child, regardless of the child’s age? Don’t you want to demonstrate that evil does not overcome goodness in every corner of the world?

Of course, if your child is being abused or harmed, you have to find legal support and get law enforcement involved. Real crimes usually leave some type of traceable clue. If your child has been taken to another country, you may have to pursue help through the State Department and other federal government agencies.

But if your child is happy and secure where they are, give some thought to how long you will continue to let the battle dominate your life. You will be heartbroken, filled with anguish, and no doubt some others will judge you negatively for not spending your last dime (and all you can borrow!) in court.

It is possible to recover from parental alienation. You will not be unchanged, but you can be alive, reasonably healthy, and intact. You can have a life worth living.

A horrible evil is done when a vengeful ex steals your relationship with your child.

Another horrible evil will be done if you destroy yourself fighting a fight you cannot win.

You can maintain scrapbooks, write letters, create art, music, or crafts, and do other things to honor your relationship with your child. You can create a website or blog where your child may find you and see who you truly are and that you love them, despite what has happened and what they may have been told. These things may give you comfort and help you feel connected to your child.

Only you know when to say “enough.” It may be next week, or next year. Or five years from now. If or when that day comes and you know you have done all you can while keeping yourself intact, don’t be afraid to say: “I will fight no more.”