Mother's Day: Celebration or Sadness?

(c) Deborah Evans

If you trust popular media reports, Mother's Day is a time of celebration, gatherings, flowers, gifts, dinners, and remembrance of happy times that have perhaps passed. If you live in the United States, popular culture tells us this weekend is a time to celebrate.

Honestly, Mother's Day is not a time of celebration for everyone.

There are many honest, authentic reasons why this weekend challenges many people.

If you are a woman, these are some reasons why Mother's Day may be a painful challenge for you: you always wanted children, but never had (or cannot have) a child; you had a child who died prematurely or unexpectedly, you are alienated from your child (young child or adult child), you had a medical procedure that ended the life of your child, you have been disappointed by failures and frustration in the process of adopting or fostering a child, you are a worthy but non-custodial mom, your child is flailing and failing while attempting to live a meaningful and responsible life, your child is seriously ill, your child is incarcerated or in detention, you silently resent your status as a single mother, your child lives with a permanent and difficult disability that overwhelms you...the list could go on.

For everyone else, there are reasons why this weekend can be a tough one every year: you never knew your mother, you were conceived in rape or incest, your mother left you or your family, your mother died after a long and painful illness, you barely escaped (or are still trying to escape) a toxic relationship with your mother, you suffered abuse (physical, sexual, verbal, etc.) or neglect as a child or young person and your mother didn't believe you or protect you, your mother struggles with addiction, family gatherings are too difficult to face because of your mother, you tried to be the person your mother wanted you to be and somehow never satisfied her, you learned your mother never truly loved you...this list could go on as well.

If any of this applies to you, what can you do? I have a few suggestions.

1. If this is a hard time for you, plan a day of activities that do not center on the Mother's Day concept. Avoid restaurants where you will be surrounded by seemingly happy families laughing and talking and taking pictures. Order in some food, make your favorite meal, binge watch your favorite tv choices, cozy up with an audiobook, spend time on a favorite or nearly forgotten hobby.

2. If going to a church service that will revolve around the Mother's Day theme will be painful, sleep in and exercise or take a walk or visit the gym. Read scriptures at home, and use this time to completely open your heart to God on how you feel about what this day means. Ask God for a new and powerful perspective on your experience or family history. Journal the answers and insights you receive from God. Act on the guidance you receive.

3. Finally, honor the truth of your experience and knowledge. We have memories because those memories help us avoid danger and constant hurt and injury. Reject the phony semi-religious mythology that says if you just "forgive and forget", everything will be ok. If you're not ready to forgive, be honest about that. Forget about forgetting. Memories protect us. That's why we have them. Isn't it better to remember someone is unsafe for you, and to stay away from them? There is no virtue in denying the truth. You can hold a memory without being obsessed by the past. Honor the truth of your experience, even if others want to you to deny what is real.

Truth is the only way through, up, and out.

God is with us in the times of deepest sorrow and agony. Jesus experienced these things, and he will be present with you in a way that is unique and transforming. Invite him, listen to him, and be led by him. 

Make the day what you need it to be.

If you are experiencing thoughts of self harm, text or call 988 (Suicide Prevention Hotline), or go to 988lifeline.org .