Think (or Know) You'll Spend the Holidays Alone? Plan Ahead. Do It Now.

(c) Deborah Evans

I've spent some holidays alone. I don't always spend holidays alone, but I've spent a few alone and I will share what helped me enjoy and remember those holidays as positive landmarks in my life. I hope these ideas are helpful to you.

You need a plan. You need a plan because so much of the advertising, marketing, and messaging of the culture is based on happy "family and friends" gatherings during the holidays (Thanksgiving through the New Year). Of course, all of these gatherings are not happy, joyful, or peaceful. No matter. Given all of this messaging, you need to create a space to enjoy the holiday based on your life, your priorities, and your circumstances.

Your plan begins now. Allow yourself to quietly consider why you are alone during the holidays. I am not referring to psychoanalysis or deep self-therapy. Just sit quietly for a time and review the circumstances or events or your life. Perhaps you have chosen to be alone during the holidays because family gatherings are too stressful to endure. Perhaps you are alienated from family. Perhaps your close family members are far away or you've outlived close relations. Maybe you are an only child whose parents were both orphans and you have no close relatives. Perhaps you do not want to invite yourself into a gathering of friends who didn't invite you.

Accept your situation if you cannot (or choose not to) change it. Give yourself credit for choosing  peaceful solitude over stressful dinner table conflicts. Perhaps you can accept you have a unique path to follow because of the decisions made by others. Maybe this year you don't have enough money to travel home and see family and friends, but next year you might have travel funds. Whatever your circumstance, don't see it as a punishment. See it as a factual reflection of your life events or your personal choice. 

Next, think about ways to use this time for relaxation, rest, or rejuvenation. This is a good time to choose a media fast. This is a good time to disconnect from the messaging that says everyone should have the same type of holiday experience. Is that even reasonable? All of our lives are so different. It doesn't make sense to believe we should all have the same type of experience at any time of year, including the holidays. 

If you feel a sense of unresolved pain, don't crush or deny your feelings. Also, don't let your feelings define your entire holiday season. Find two or three small pleasures you can pursue in a solo style, or find an organized activity you can share with others. Sadness or grief are real, but they don't have to completely dominate your holiday season.

Be willing to look forward. Perhaps you never want to spend another holiday season alone. That's ok. As 2023 wraps up, take twenty or thirty minutes to journal what you want to experience during the 2024 holiday time. What's your plan for getting to that point? What habits or actions must you change to create a different holiday experience next year? Those habits may involve meeting or getting to know new people. Those habits may involve changing how you think about what the holidays are and how you want to celebrate them. Maybe you don't want to celebrate them in any way. Maybe your goal is to be able to see Thanksgiving or Christmas as just another day you're happy to be alive. That's a major accomplishment because you've freed yourself from societal programming.

On my first Christmas alone, many years ago, I spent the day practicing crochet stitches and eating pancakes and fresh fruit for lunch and dinner. I had very low standards for what the day "should be." I purchased some of my favorite takeout food two days before, and had all of my favorite music playing throughout the day. I didn't focus on past Christmases, I didn't look at old photos, and I didn't read old journals. I tried to stay "in the moment", without points of comparison to the past.

The holidays are coming. They're unavoidable. You can control only what you can control. What you can control is how you think about what these days mean. You can control how you will plan for future holidays. You can control how much of popular messaging about "the holiday season" you will accept and live by. 

You have many choices, and you can choose how you use them.